Wow. It has been months, upon month since writing!
What has happened?

Marriage
Grad School
Moving to KC
Getting a new job
Looking for a new church.

Man-oh-man. A lot.

bill and i have decided to undertake a thirty day challenge.

in the next thirty days we will journal and pray this prayer,

Jesus, be the Lord of my life in new ways today.

Change me in any way you want.

Wash me clean from every sin.

Fill me with your Holy Spirit.

Make me a channel of your love & grace.

Exalt yourself through me.

Use me to lead someone else into this prayer.

In Your name I pray. Amen.

i think we are going to be taught a LOT!

i get to marry my best friend in 377 days.

Yes, i'm doing a ridiculous countdown.

i feel ridiculously blessed and so undeserving.

i am learning so much more about that love that God

has for me through this.

...

i'm pretty sure my blog is of no

interest to most people . . .

that's okay.

It's an outlet. A great outlet.

While watching a video today, i have realized even more how

much my life is saturated by unbelief. i feel like it is an inescapable trap

which i am smothering in.

Where did my love, joy, my heart go?

i feel like they are gone from my life, my actions . . .

i feel very stuck. VERY stuck.

17Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19GOD, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.
habakkuk.

i'm having a selfish day.
A day where all i want is for Jesus to come back.
To sit beside me, hold me, wipe my tears away and look into my eyes.

There is so much that He is asking me to do though and day in and day out i sit comfortable in my home. . . having comfortable conversations and doing comfortable actions day after day. i want to be awakened. John 10:10 has been on my mind heavily for the past week. It says that He came to not only give us life, but life to the fullest. i want that life. i want my life to glorify the one who gave it ALL for me.

I see the sun rising
And all you see is its fall, fall, fall

.iwanttolearntobe
simplybecauseyouare.

sometimes things hurt too much to think about...
so i put it off
and put it off
and put it off.

Then, i think about them at the most inopportune moments.
This happened to me today during church.
i was sitting there, surrounded by people.
But all i could think of was crap.
Garbage in my life.
Life has been really confusing for me lately...
i feel like i'm spinning out of control.
i'm learning how to forgive myself.
i'm learning humility.

There are gross things in my life,
but my brokenness can only be offered back to my Lord.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
-matt. 5:3

i want to seek refuge in the mighty name of the Lord.

zeph. 3:5
he does no injustice;
every morning he shows forth his justice;
each dawn he does not fail;

.i'm a romantic.

Psalm 138:8
The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.

i love knowing that the Lord has something
so much better for me than i could
ever ask or imagine.

i love when leaves come crashing down
around me on the way to class.

.i am a rescued child.

i recently came out of a really dark time in my walk w/the Lord.
Covered in sin and shame i literally chose to not approach the
cross, worried for some reason that i was too much of a burden.
But there is grace, PRAISE THE LORD, there is grace.
Glory to God that He works and moves. This passage so clearly
speaks what the Lord has done for me. So much so that I was blown
away when I read it yesterday. Thank you Lord!

¹⁶ He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.

¹⁷ He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.

¹⁸ They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

¹⁹ He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Ps. 18:16-19

i can’t believe what He feels toward me.

constantly pursuing.

His heart burns for me,

burdens for me,

feels with me and rejoices with me.

He is love.

"The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him."
Lam. 3:25

maybe i seem cynical, pessimistic, sad, you name it. . .
i wear my emotions on my sleeve.
joy, despair, happiness, sadness.
Because why shouldn't we share these things, share ourselves in true form?

Maybe i'm wrong?

i need to stop paralleling my life to songs.

.after all i've done, You have loved me.

i think i'm going through a season of pruning... it's intense.

i'm going to be honest, i don't like it.

To be even more honest, it's hard for me to be excited for the good that will come from this.

"St. John of the Cross saw the dark night of the soul, not as an actual abandonment by God, but as an expression of His love, that helped perfect the soul by purging it of all of its remaining attachment to spiritual faults and earthly things"

One of the only things that has kept me going is this song "After All" by Jon Shirley...

i'm battling through many things. Jesus, be my rock.

i think i'll take chinese next semester.

i love carrots.

music makes me so happy.

i'm going on a trip soon.

my allergies are horrible.

apparently everyone will get swine flu at k-state this year.

wine class!!!!!

So many things to consider in life right now.
i want to be somewhere far away from the city and breathe.
i want to spend time with Jesus somewhere isolated.

i'm seriously considering a Meg-God weekend.
i think we'll do it soon.


"Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains"
-JJ Heller

My days recently:
Wake up.
Go to Spanish class.
Go to work.
Shelve carts of books.
Shift carts of books.
Shelve more carts of books.
Shift more carts of books.
Go to Swahili Class.
Go home.
Think about all the things I could do.
Work out.
Eat Dinner.
Go to sleep at 10:30.

What do you guys think about loneliness?

Do you struggle with it?

Is it normal?

I once heard someone say, the more you fall in love with the Lord, the more your soul will drift toward loneliness because it understands more clearly how we are so not made for this world.

For me, there's this fine line between being too dependent on people for happiness, entertainment, etc and a feeling of just completely drawing myself away from people and becoming far too independent and even reclusive.

Lord, teach me more about community.